Smuzzed

Enjoying the beautiful May weather in California, Jennifer Love Hewitt and her fiance Ross McCall were spotted out walking hand-in-hand around their Hollywood neighborhood on Thursday (May 29).

During their stroll, the Ghost Whisperer actress complained of a bug in her eye - but was still all smiles for the camera.

Cannes Film Festival juror Natalie Portman recently wrapped up her movie-rating duties in the south of France, heading off to her home country for some time with her beau.

Wearing a pair of short-shorts, the My Blueberry Nights actress and boyfriend Devendra Banhart were spotted strolling about Jaffa, Israel earlier this week.

These are images of Katie Holmes as she moved to New York City this week to prepare for her role in the Broadway production of All My Sons. And looking into those eyes, I've now seen the depths of crazy. Dammit, she used to be hot! Tom Cruise has gone way, way too far. Someone's gotta do something about this and I'm looking at you, Beckhams. One of you, David, needs to take one for the team while the other, Victoria, spirits Katie to safety. The double meaning of taking "one for the team" goes without saying because it's butt sex with Tom Cruise. UPDATE: I just received the following e-mail from Tom Cruise. Presented here in its entirety:

Yeah, all that stuff. The team stuff. Make that stuff happen. I'll pay you in Tom Cruise dollars. When Xenu is defeated in an intergalactic chariot race by yours truly, my money will be worth money! No foolin'.

Heil me!
T.C.

p.s. I'm smiling right now - Tom Cruise style! (That's T.C. talk for "pants-free." He he, I'm naughty!)"

My job is so friggin' weird...

While our constant vigil of Kim Kardashian's buttpad raged on, rumors started spreading that Angelina Jolie birthed her litter today. People has the official word from Angelina's rep that these rumors are false:

"Angelina has not given birth. She is fine, enjoying her home and her family in France," a rep for the actress tells PEOPLE.

So, in summary, Angelina Jolie did not give birth which means Brad Pitt is, presently, not having sex with her to "kick that baby train into warp speed." His words, not mine. Okay, you caught me; It was Clooney. Right after I beat him in the Sexiest Man Alive contest.

Earlier this year they embarked on an overwhelmingly successful reunion tour before cutting it short for various reasons.  But now, the Spice Girls are coming back together to attend their friend/manager Simon Fuller’s wedding.

On Wednesday, Emma Bunton (with boyfriend Jade Jones) and Geri Halliwell were spotted leaving Heathrow International Airport in London, England bound for the USA.

It seems that life is never drama-free for our good friend Lindsay Lohan.  And last night she was spotted heading into the emergency room at Century City Hospital in Los Angeles, California.

According to her rep, though, everything is all-good.  She told press, “There is no drama. Lindsay and Samantha went to the hospital last night to visit a sick friend.”

Just one short week after displaying her baby bump at the Cannes Film Festival, Angelina Jolie has reportedly given birth to baby twins.

After French media reports kicked off rumors of the babies’ arrival earlier today, Entertainment Tonight is now reporting that Angelina and partner Brad Pitt’s twins have indeed arrived.

Kim Kardashian has taken umbrage with my clearly scientific debate regarding her buttpads. Check out her latest blog entry (NOTE: I took the liberty of un-editing all the a--'s. My replacements in italics.):

OMG! When will people get off my atrium, literally! Haha. I have said it a million times before and I'll say it again: My booty is as real as the designer items I'm auctioning off on eBay.
The reason I bring this up is because those jokesters at the Superficial claimed that I wear foam panties. NOT TRUE! (And I don't stuff 'em with Charmin either).
I think my photo shoots clearly prove I don't wear butt pads!
To all you non-believers at the Superficial, kiss my REAL and GORGEOUS amphitheater!
XOXO,
Kim

I've accepted Kim's challenge and included the Ralph Lauren photo shoot she presents as proof of her natural assy-ness. Now on to the scrutiny! Set 1: You're either making the most valid argument in the history of debate or really have to pee. Analysis: Inconclusive. Set 2: Do that underwear thing again. I can't research in these conditions. Analysis: BOO! Set 3: Ha! Mirrors don't fool me. You've been hanging out with Criss Angel, haven't you? Bad, Kim Kardashian! Bad! Analysis: Not convinced. Set 4: Okay, now you're just sitting on your butt. If you're not going to take this thing seriously, I'm taking off my pants. Analysis: I need me a gypsy tent. Set 5: Nipples will only get you everywhere. Analysis: Whatever she says is true. Set 6: Are you trying to knock down that wall? No, wait, you gotta pee again. Lady, go easy on the Aquafina. Christ. Analysis: What were we talking about again? If it's boobs, I'm all over it. DIAGNOSIS: BUTTPAD! Sorry, Kim, but hey, I'm a reasonable guy. You can invite me over to your house and we'll make some science. Namely through the time-tested method of my hands/your butt.* But, remember, it's all for the children. Those sweet, sweet children that I should probably wrangle up. Anyone got a net? *Tears of joy emitted from The Superficial Writer do not invalidate claims of buttpad's presence. The Superficial Writer also reserves the right to free said buttpad and use it as a decorative throw pillow in a room of his choosing. Buttpad may also double as a frisbee. Whee!

It’s no surprise that wherever there are cameras, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt aren’t far away.  And yesterday the Hills couple was spotted hanging out with Pete Wentz.

The Fall Out Boy hottie was busy filming his new show for MTV when the peroxide pair showed up on the set for Spencer to do an interview.  How’s that for an unlikely pairing?

Britney Spears is "not yet fit" to participate in court hearings regarding her conservatorship. To bring everyone up to speed, after Brit's second trip to Crazytown Mental Ward, her father Jamie was placed in control of her estate and is actually doing a bang-up job. Britney's attorney Samuel Ingham spent 90 minutes yesterday talking to Commissioner Reva Goetz, according to the AP:

Ingham told the court afterward that Spears' medical condition is "fluid" because her treatment is changing.
Spears' probate case is scheduled to go to trial July 31, but Ingham said it could be "harmful" for her to participate. Goetz agreed and said Spears' diagnosis is not complete.

Just so I have this straight: Britney is unable to hear about her finances, but is allowed to have sex with her agent. Is Jamie Spears making sure her vagina stays open for the summer? If so, smart move what with it being vacation season and all. There's never a more bonding experience than packing up the fam in a camper and visiting our national parks and vaginas. God bless Jamie Spears.